Betrayal

Blue

“Don’t do this.” His eyes are big and desperate. Hurt creeps into his voice as he grips my hands. “You can’t.”

I don’t even struggle against the tears that runs down my face. “I can and I will. I thought…” I reclaim my hands and bury my face in them for a second. “Oh my god, how could I be so fucking stupid?” 

“You’re not! It’s not…”

“Just stop it!” I snap, anger blazing hot in the pit of my stomach. “You don't get to apologize, just so you can feel better. You screwed up, Graham. You! No one else. And this isn't going away.”

He looks so panicked, my stupid, shattered heart squeezes in sympathy. “Blue, please…” He trails of, probably because he knows me better than anyone in this entire world and he knows that he messed up. Nothing he says could ever make up for the pain he caused. “Blue”, he says again and I have to turn, have to leave, because his eyes are wet and I can't trust my treacherous heart not to break even more. 

I've barely taken a step before I'm whirled around and then I'm in his arms, his lips on mine, his hands buried in my thick curls. His desperate kiss makes my body respond when my brain won't. I clutch at his shirt, deepening the kiss, hearing his broken moan. Because this is home, this is what makes living in my head easier. Him. Us. It's right. Then I wrench away, stepping away from his embrace, breathing ragged. He lets me go instantly, knowing the battle is lost. He looks like he's had held the sun, only to get burned, longing to do it again. 

“I wanted to… I needed to feel you one last time. For what it's worth, I am sorry. There aren't even words to describe how I regret…” He cuts of, swallowing, eyes turned away like it’s painful to watch me. 

Graham

How will I ever forgive myself? With the memory of her eyes, so full of pain and betrayal, etched in to me, I will never get away from it. The feel of her body against mine, the taste of her lips lingers and I can't decide if the last desperate act to remember her was worth it. 

How can she stand right there, a few breaths apart from me, and I can't touch her? Can't stroke her hair, kiss her nose, laugh at her stupid jokes. Will never again have the right, the privilege, to feel her body curled up against mine, to have my heart swell up so with prideful, painful love, because she's mine, she chose me. The only feeling left in me is regret. Deep, despairing regret. The way she still responded to me, after everything, how her body automatically reacted to my touch, made it even worse. My pain is irrelevant to the way she feels right now. I'm the traitor, the bad guy. I don't deserve to focus on the regret. She is everything and I've lost her. The thought scares me more than anything in this world.